Only when it is convenient do you ask to hang out with me.  But when you text me that you are free, there are stipulations.  You can only be my friend from this time to this time.  You are not allowed to go passed this point in the city.  You are not to go to these places during our catching up period.  You have to answer your phone any time it rings or buzzes.  Because, you know… Heaven forbid the apocalypse is happening and he is unable to get a hold of you to warn you that you need to hurry your ass up and save him.

“Did your phone die?”

Bro, I am pretty sure that if her phone did in fact die, she would not be able to answer you with, “Ah, yes. I’m so sorry, hun.  My phone died- that’s why I’m not returning your thirteen text messages of humor(less) gifs.”

Who is this new, fragile woman trying to greet me with a smile she saves for her dearest friends?  What occurred during the one year that I went away for university that twisted her grasp of independence?  Where did my confident, accept-me-the-way-I-am sister disappear to?  When did my once beautifully pro-active best friend become tethered down?  How did my strong and resilient confidant become the type of woman to submit and shrink under the cascading testosterone of a man?  Why do I no longer recognize you?

The sad thing is, that you have lost a lot of your friends from pre-caveman, and he’s introduced you to all of the people he has pre-approved for your life together.  I apologize, but I am not the type of person to sit around until you can squeeze me into your schedule.  I know what it is like to live a completely booked life, barely allowing yourself time to catch your breath and train of thought.  And that’s not the type of life you live.  You live moment to moment based off of his needs.

You are confined to your four walls until it is time to drop him off or pick him up.  You are kept to his side, because he is unable to entertain himself for a mere hour or two.  Oh, I understand.  You cannot come enjoy a G.N.O., because the caveman does not have any friends to keep him company?  Honestly?  What kind of a life is that?  You are stuck at home, sitting next to him and bored, because he is either “working” on his “career,” or he is engrossed in some idiotic video game that leaves no time for you.  BUT, because he is having a night in, you must have a night in.  Whenever he decides to venture outside into the real world, that is when you are allowed a few more feet of slack on your leash.

Whenever he decides to venture outside into the real world, does the giant golden circle in the sky sting because you have lost all of your sunshine?

I was so happy and excited for my best friend when she told me of her new relationship.  It was her first relationship, ever, and she seemed to glow with excitement.  From what I knew of the caveman, he was a gentleman.  He had a good reputation within the community, and he had a supportive family.  However, the first time that I met him, I knew it was all a facade.  Controlling, manipulative, insecure, and possessive were the words that were floating around his head as he spoke to me.  From his tone, to his body language, to his diction- my intuition was telling me to hightail it out of there.  However, I pushed that nagging voice the the back of my mind, and proceeded to give the guy a chance.

Yeah, wrong move.

Just as I had scoped him out from the get-go, he knew that my bullshit radar was fully functioning.  I can count of one hand the number of times that I have had a conversation with this guy.  Mind you, he has been in my best friend’s life for three to four years now.  THREE TO FOUR YEARS, AND I CANNOT SAY THAT I HAVE HAD ANY TYPE OF A INTELLIGENT OR A COMPLETE CONVERSATION WITH HIM.  AND HE’S NOW MARRIED TO MY BEST FRIEND.  Trust me, that’s not for a lack of trying.  I smile, wave, make conversation with him, but he gives me one word answers then looks away.  I can tell the difference between awkwardness and the cold shoulder- and this caveman was giving me the cold shoulder.  Just thinking about this is getting me even more riled up than I already am.  There are four young women that I would go to the ends of the earth for, and she is one of them.  So the fact that my best friend is being played by this caveman… It pisses me off and breaks my heart.  She is completely oblivious to it.

For a minute, I thought that I was just jealous that she had found someone.  Maybe I was envious of the life that she was about to start with a man that she claimed to love and whom claimed to love her.  But that thought was brought to an abrupt halt when I spoke with other women and men who were close with her- pre-caveman era.  More than a dozen men and women spoke to me about how there were unsure about caveman and his controlling nature.  My best friend went from kicking ass and taking names to submitting like a timid puppy.  Many told my best friend that they felt caveman was controlling and possessive, but she became angry at them.  She would throw up a defensive wall and speak of caveman’s honor and loving nature.  Again, I should have seen this type of behavior from her as another sign that something was wrong with him.

Do not get me wrong, I love men.  I love women who fall in love with men.  I love watching a relationship blossom into something a screenwriter uses as inspiration.  A relationship that brings a swelling heart and a misting eye to an onlooker is something I aspire to have.  I do not hate men, so I am sorry if that is where you were hoping this post would take you.  No. I am not one of those individuals who despises men and glorifies women.  I know that men have their flaws, but women have their faults, too.  It takes two to tangle, people.

At the end of the day, I pray that my best friend finds happiness and joy.  I also pray that she allows others (other than caveman) to relish in her happiness and joy.  Being married does not mean that you cut off contact with the people who loved and supported you prior to your relationship (with caveman).  Being married means that you spread the unconditional love you have for each other with the men and women surrounding your marriage.

I just… I just wish that I could speak with my best friend as freely as I type this post.  I hope that my words make sense to whoever chooses to read, but maybe I am just blabbing for my own sanity.

-Stella

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