My biggest fear is losing someone I love. I know, I know. Is this not everyone’s fear? But this is my biggest fear, because I have never experienced that gut-wrenching, soul-shattering type of loss. I am turning twenty-four this year, and I have been fortunate enough to have all of my loved ones still in my life. The most important person that I have lost was a man that I did not know personally. My father’s father passed away unexpectedly when I was a freshman in high school. He was the healthiest man I had ever met- he never experimented with drugs or alcohol.
His passing pained my heart- there is no denying that. But I was crying because of my father’s loss, not because of my loss.
Is it disturbing that I wish the loss of my grandfather pained me more than it did? Yes, I miss him dearly, but what I miss more than him is the fact that I never got to know him. I knew him on the surface as my father’s father, but I did not know him as my grandfather. Because he lived out of state, and because my grandfather was not in the picture as my father was growing up, I only saw and spoke with him a handful of times.
That experience scared me, because I realized that I was not ready to heal from the future passing of my maternal grandparents or my paternal grandmother. Those three have been a constant in my life. How could I ever recover from that type of loss?
I am constantly reminded that tomorrow is not promised through my grandparent’s losses. They are getting older, and it is a scary time for everyone. Their best friends and siblings are passing away, while my grandparents continue to age on this planet. Seeing their pain, pains me. And it scares me. I am terrified to experience that kind of passing.
So that is why losing a loved one is my biggest fear. I have never experienced the loss of a loved one that I knew well and loved unconditionally.
And that scares the shit out of me.