My biggest fear is losing someone I love.  I know, I know.  Is this not everyone’s fear?  But this is my biggest fear, because I have never experienced that gut-wrenching, soul-shattering type of loss.  I am turning twenty-four this year, and I have been fortunate enough to have all of my loved ones still in my life.  The most important person that I have lost was a man that I did not know personally.  My father’s father passed away unexpectedly when I was a freshman in high school.  He was the healthiest man I had ever met- he never experimented with drugs or alcohol.

His passing pained my heart- there is no denying that.  But I was crying because of my father’s loss, not because of my loss.

Is it disturbing that I wish the loss of my grandfather pained me more than it did?  Yes, I miss him dearly, but what I miss more than him is the fact that I never got to know him.  I knew him on the surface as my father’s father, but I did not know him as my grandfather.  Because he lived out of state, and because my grandfather was not in the picture as my father was growing up, I only saw and spoke with him a handful of times.

That experience scared me, because I realized that I was not ready to heal from the future passing of my maternal grandparents or my paternal grandmother.  Those three have been a constant in my life.  How could I ever recover from that type of loss?

I am constantly reminded that tomorrow is not promised through my grandparent’s losses.  They are getting older, and it is a scary time for everyone.  Their best friends and siblings are passing away, while my grandparents continue to age on this planet.  Seeing their pain, pains me.  And it scares me.  I am terrified to experience that kind of passing.

So that is why losing a loved one is my biggest fear.  I have never experienced the loss of a loved one that I knew well and loved unconditionally.

And that scares the shit out of me.

-Stella Thorn


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